Tuesday, July 7, 2015


Truth.  It sucks.

Reality sucks as well a lot of times.

Reality is I have to be careful the rest of my life.

Truth is I have to be careful the rest of my life in a different way.  Truth is me admitting I have nerve damage.  Truth is I do not have many falls left in me.  Truth is me admitting I became am an alcoholic after I began an eating disorder.  Truth is I denied it and denied my horse the opportunity to reach his potential.  Truth is I ate ONE real meal a week and had to purge that even.  Truth is I fit a size 3 Levi's Skinnies at 30 pounds more than I weighed 2 years ago.  Truth is my marriage with DIB is failing because of my fight with all of it.

Truth is I am failing at life on an emotional level. Truth is I didn't know I neglected the fur-kids, or beastie, or Mom.  Truth is I was not the bestest MOH for my sister's wedding even though I really did try.  Truth is that a few weeks ago I tried to hang myself in the closet of my bedroom with a leather leash and only had a detectable pulse in few places when DIB found me, saved me.  Truth is the industry almost killed me, even after I left.

And that is why I have not ben here.  Four job offers later I'm working on a PR position and a server/bartender job.  I am still finding who I am and who beastie deserves to be.

I love writing, a lot.  Novels (fiction and Non), passages, poems, vignettes, reading....all of it.   I love history, I love challenge, excitement, freedom, roller coasters of life, experiences, risk, adrenaline, ands most of all honesty.

I am an addict of all of those things. The rush of racing, the freedom and honesty of alcohol abuse, the joy of helping others, the simplicity and difficulty-like contraction of riding.

I have a story to tell a tough 30 days later and am ready to tell it.  I just hope I live to tell it.