Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Truth.

Truth.  It sucks.

Reality sucks as well a lot of times.

Reality is I have to be careful the rest of my life.

Truth is I have to be careful the rest of my life in a different way.  Truth is me admitting I have nerve damage.  Truth is I do not have many falls left in me.  Truth is me admitting I became am an alcoholic after I began an eating disorder.  Truth is I denied it and denied my horse the opportunity to reach his potential.  Truth is I ate ONE real meal a week and had to purge that even.  Truth is I fit a size 3 Levi's Skinnies at 30 pounds more than I weighed 2 years ago.  Truth is my marriage with DIB is failing because of my fight with all of it.

Truth is I am failing at life on an emotional level. Truth is I didn't know I neglected the fur-kids, or beastie, or Mom.  Truth is I was not the bestest MOH for my sister's wedding even though I really did try.  Truth is that a few weeks ago I tried to hang myself in the closet of my bedroom with a leather leash and only had a detectable pulse in few places when DIB found me, saved me.  Truth is the industry almost killed me, even after I left.

And that is why I have not ben here.  Four job offers later I'm working on a PR position and a server/bartender job.  I am still finding who I am and who beastie deserves to be.

I love writing, a lot.  Novels (fiction and Non), passages, poems, vignettes, reading....all of it.   I love history, I love challenge, excitement, freedom, roller coasters of life, experiences, risk, adrenaline, ands most of all honesty.

I am an addict of all of those things. The rush of racing, the freedom and honesty of alcohol abuse, the joy of helping others, the simplicity and difficulty-like contraction of riding.

I have a story to tell a tough 30 days later and am ready to tell it.  I just hope I live to tell it.

9 comments:

  1. Honesty is huge, both with yourself and the people around you. Hang in there, take care of yourself, and keep on writing. I want you to live to tell this tale and lots of others down the road.

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  2. I know how brutal the racing industry can be and have seen what it can do to people, especially jockeys. I can't imagine what you're going through, I've never been in your position. What I do know is that you had the strength and tenacity to do what it took to become a jockey, you can accomplish anything you want to. I love reading your posts and I hope to read another in the near future. Lux will be okay (And you're not neglecting him), just worry about what you need to do to get yourself better. I know that all I know about you comes from this blog, but if you ever need anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask. My email is on my blog and you can find my FB link on there too, if you want to message me for my contact info. I'm wishing you the best. Stay strong girl, you can overcome this.

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  3. I lost my husband to addiction two weeks ago. He was not as honest as you are now, and it killed him. You are an important person and you belong in this world. I know it's hard, but remember that there are people that love you and would miss you so so terribly.

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  4. The truth will set you free. Thank you for sharing with us.

    I'm glad you're still with us. You matter to us, even though we have never met you. We think you're awesome and we want you to be well.

    Truth is, being happy and healthy is a lot of hard work. It doesn't always come naturally. You have to fight for it. Take that grit and determination it took to make it as a jockey and fight to be well. Keep getting honest. Ask for help. It will save your life.

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  5. The truth sucks, but it also ever so freeing. There is still so much more of your story left to tell. There's love and adventures and horses. Keep telling your story and keep being honest.

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  6. Like jodi said, you were tough enough to become a jockey you are tough enough to become anything else. You show so much bravery in sharing the truth, many hopes and prayers and well wishes for you.

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  7. Like jodi said, you were tough enough to become a jockey you are tough enough to become anything else. You show so much bravery in sharing the truth, many hopes and prayers and well wishes for you.

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  8. Like jodi said, you were tough enough to become a jockey you are tough enough to become anything else. You show so much bravery in sharing the truth, many hopes and prayers and well wishes for you.

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